Ayaan has taught me that it's okay to fall: Emraan
Emraan Hashmi faced the
toughest emotional test of his life last year. A four-year-old
son Ayaan detected with cancer just three days before him having to
start shooting for his upcoming 3D entertainer Mr . X. While
his fighter-son battled his cancer with the help of Batman (his
father's voice on his mobile which he believes is a real man, a man who
saved him from that dreaded disease), his father stayed away from his
son for three-and-a-half months to complete his professional
commitments.His film Raja Natwarlal bombed at the box office, but Emraan
continued to do what he was committed to and believed in. Ayaan today
is back to being fit and Emraan is looking forward to his upcoming
releases. Over an hour-long conversation at his home, he talks to Bombay
Times about the dilemma of being a father and a professional, what he
learnt from Ayaan and how he has started praying every night now.
Excerpts:
Given that your son Ayaan was detected with cancer just a few days
before you were to shoot Mr. X last year, how difficult was it for you
to shoot the film?
We were to start shooting Mr .X on
January 16 last year and on January 13, the problem happened with Ayaan
and the schedule was pushed ahead indefinitely . I realised that I had
to juggle between two things, the role as a father and the role as a
professional and that too was very important. So, as much as there are
people around for you, everyone has their own kitchens to run, so
everyone's life goes on. I had to take a call on whether to be with
Ayaan for six months for his treatment or not.
My wife Parveen and I decided that we settle her in Toronto, get the
chemotherapy going and a month after his operation, I return to work.
Ayaan is a fighter and thankfully, his body took the chemo very well
without adverse reactions, and I flew back a month later on Valentine's
Day and we started shooting. It had been a tough call for me to say a
goodbye to Ayaan and take a flight back. I had to lie to him that I was
going to get him gifts, but I knew that I was actually going away to
shoot for three-and-ahalf months. I tried in between to go back to
Toronto, but couldn't due to my commitments. I was shooting here, but my
mind was constantly there. You understand that nothing really prepares
you for something like your son having cancer. The plus point of being
in the movies is that you can escape for those couple of hours that you
are on a film set.But you can never forget it, as it is always at the
back of your mind.You don't consciously think about it, but you carry it
everywhere you go. You kind of learn to live with it, you learn to put
it on the back burner, but suddenly , it surfaces again at times when
you least expect it to surface. I didn't sleep for three weeks till I
came back. I was on sleeping pills. I used to go for bike rides alone at
3 and 4 am in the morning, as I would not get sleep.And then, I would
get only an hour or two of sleep. But thankfully , I was not
singing or dancing in Mr . X, in fact, it was a guy dealing with
trauma. So, I was acting out what I was feeling at that point. If you
remember, you had come on the first day of shooting to see me at
Filmalaya Studio. That first scene was of a guy who almost dies. He is a
righteous ATS officer, who is brutally injured by this group of people
to the point of death. He almost dies, but then he takes this particular
medicine that gives him a new lease of life, but it's not the life he
imagines, his cells stop reflecting life and he is almost invisible.
It's a man who is defeated and is the story of his resurrection.
In a sense, your personal story is also one of resurrection at this point in your career?
You
could say that. I believe that in everyone's life, where success or
trauma can change you, it's important that you deal with both in a way
that is not self-destructive.There was this rise I kind of had two years
back when my films were successful, and then there was this lull where
four of my back-to-back films did not work at the box office.There is a
side of the industry that is always jumping at writing an actor's
obituary , writing you off, which is nothing new to me. I never ever
confuse what these people think of my career or my selfworth with what I
actually think
about myself. I have tremendous confidence that things will bounce back,
that I will bounce back with great successful films. The same people
did not think that I will last for even two years in this industry .But
I have lasted for over a decade.These are the same people who thought
that after five back-to-back hits, I had all the answers and I was hit
man Hashmi and I was invincible, but they were wrong even then.So, if
they didn't know that then, then what the hell do they know now? You
have no choice but to embrace the sadness and the pain when you go
through something like this. The trauma becomes a part of you. The dream
that you have built for yourself suddenly crumbles and you realise that
it is so fragile. And there is nothing you can do to stop it, so you
cope with it and fight and as much as people may think they are your bad
and weakest times, you are fighting the highest at such times and there
lies the resurrection and it instills in that dream more vigour and
vitality and something more emerges.Something else has emerged and it
will reflect in my performances over the next few months. And I want to
tell my detractors in the industry , there are four phases in any
celebrity's life. The first phase when the world says, `Oh! He has
potential.' The second phase is, `Ah! He has arrived.' The third phase,
`Oh! He's finished.' And then comes the fourth phase, ` Ah! He is
back.' So, for the myopic morons, who don't know anything about inner
strength, wait for a couple of months. I will be back.
Doesn't failure make you doubt yourself? Where do you get your confidence from?
I
do get anxious if I have a flop, but I don't lose sleep over it. I
detach from things and that is true for both, success and failure. I
don't let both define me. It's a journey , I may pop a champagne bottle
for success, but I don't start feeling cat's whiskers or that I am
invincible.Somewhere down the line, I will give you a bad flop film once
in a while. Everyone does that. Even more so in my situation, as I see
myself as a risk-taker. I have done many films that are unconventional
and out-of-the-box niche films.Always remember what Robert De Niro said
while getting his lifetime achievement award. He said, `I am accepting
this, but this is not the end. A lot more bad films to be made.' That's
what filmmaking is about. As an actor, you get scripts you like and you
take a swing at everything, some of them turn out as gems, some of them
turn out in the crash can. but every film is made with the best intent.
Some are successes, but you cannot be bogged down by that.
What should we expect from a Mr. X?
If It's not a superhero
film.Superheroes are kind of altruistic
as in they are selfless, they are the protectors of humanity and very
righteous in what they do. This man is not. He is a right cop, who wants
to avenge his own revenge to get his parallel justice to get back to
the guys who did it to him. Yes, he is a superhero as he has superhero
powers of being invincible. Mr .X promises all of that and a great
love story in the middle of it. Amyra Dastur's character is that of an
ATS officer and while his ideologies have changed overnight, she still
upholds the law and so they are opposite sides of the spectrum and they
become enemies, but even being a cold-blooded murderer, he feels for
her.
What is your biggest lesson from Ayaan's incident?
Even in my
career, I have fallen and come back, but Ayaan has taught me a lot. I
have realised that it is okay to fall. It's okay to fail. He is very
resilient and is fit now. Three months after his recovery , he
started going to school and wanted to participate in sports day in a
race.He was still weak and frail, had lost his thick crop of hair (which
has now returned) and while we didn't want him to run, he is
competitive and was adamant. He participated and the race started. He
ran three steps and fell and he got up. He again ran five steps and fell
even harder this time. Again he got up and ran and he finished the
race. I looked at Parveen and could not help feeling moved, as I could
not control my tears. He came last and still went to everyone saying I
participated. For me, it was more than any gold medal or first prize. He
had given all that he had with all the obstacles he had faced and that
was a big learning lesson for me.There is nothing special about me when
this child after such a traumatic experience, can get up, complete the
race and smile. He actually winked at me when he finished.It was too
much for me to handle and I left from there. My wife went and got him.
In life, it's all about hanging in there. However shaken your feet,
however much you are bruised, you crawl, hop, but get up and take that
first step, that's what I learnt from him. After every hurdle I have
faced, it's become more clear to me that we need to embrace life with
all its tears, screams, the anger, the pain, the shame, because they all
demand to be felt. And every time I fall, I have promised myself that
however shaky my feet, I will get up. It's only after a disaster that
you are resurrected.
Who was your emotional anchor during his treatment period?
Family and friends were an immense support, but I grieve alone. I
don't show my emotions and cover it up with external brava do, but
there are times when you feel frail. After Ayaan's incident, I have
started praying at night which I never used to.
