The Scream Queens character was flawed, edgy, snarky, reviled, loved, loathed and pitied. She had a one-liner treasure trove, was rich in fashion and expletives and did it her way
Bryan Durham
Is it possible to pack a lifetime of infinitely quotable quotes and attribute it to one badass, though thoroughly flawed sorority sister? But the kings of TV cool, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk have gone ahead and managed to do just that.
Emma Roberts, who plays the irredeemable and unapologetic rich bitch Chanel Oberlin in Fox’s Scream Queens, was also part of a previous season of Murphy and Falchuk’s American Horror Story series. And while she was good in that, in one season of this trope-trashing horror spoof, she superbly headlined an ensemble cast that featured the likes of Abigail Breslin, Ariana Grande, Billie Lourde and Lea Michele. Putting a spanner in the works is Jamie Lee Curtis, who plays Dean Munsch.
While the show remained intentionally silly and campy throughout, it mirrored our generation’s excesses like no other. Don’t believe us? Take a look at her quotes from the first season and tell us you aren’t hoping she returns for the second!
Friend at a funeral
Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today because a backstabbing little bitch got exactly what was coming to her.
As soon as Chanel #2’s parents learned that their daughter’s dead body had been found, they went on a cruise to celebrate. That’s how much they hated this dead bitch!
So, have fun being dead, Number 2. You are a stupid, little trollop and I hope you’re burning in hell right now! Amen.
Life lessons
A lot of people talk smack about how sororities are exclusive and they’re a class system. Well guess what? Life is a class system! And a sorority is the one place left in the world where you get to pick and choose the people around you.
You don’t get STDs from blood oaths, you get STDs from dirty toilet seats and drinking the water in Mexico.
I always know what people are thinking and feeling. It’s impossible to have all that information and to not manipulate them
Newsflash, feltchers: rat poison only works because because rodents don’t have a gag reflex. If you gave a human rat poison they would immediately puke it all up; so not only would I have survived your attempt on my life, it would have also made me skinnier.
A SEA OF INSULTS
I am gonna barf on your face unless you get out of here.
You’re so confident without being mean. What antidepressants are you on?
Looks like the bitch apple doesn’t fall far from the bitch tree.
Well, you should be thankful that this table is too long for me to reach across and strangle you, bitch!
Once you’re on my fatwa list, I show no mercy. I totally spit in your coffee, bitch.
She has a heart
See, this is why you turdlets need me. You’re not even competent enough to kill one lousy sorority co-president.
These are my minions. I don’t know their names. I don’t *want* to know their names.
The girl has manners
Good morning, slits.
Good evening, idiot hookers.
Thank you, coffee donkey…
Congratulations, stupid hippos.
I’m sorry, did I ask you to pull down my panties and blow a compliment up my butt?
Let me say how honored we are that you’ve invited us into your hideously furnished home.
Stray observations
There is something so depressing about a poor person walking around in couture.
I recently took a women’s studies class. Yes, because it was a requirement, but I learned a lot anyways. Like the culture that says it’s okay for a man to objectify a woman for her appearance is the same culture that pressures girls as young as ten to have eating disorders.
Halloween is the most important day of the year. It’s the one on the Gregorian calendar where you’re allowed to go around terrifying children and not be branded a psychopath.
Black Friday is about buying deliberately cheap, totally forgettable Christmas gifts for friends. The obvious cheapness of the gift makes them question our friendship and makes them way easier to manipulate as they try desperately to get back on my good side.
We’re going to the mall to exercise our patriotic right to join hundreds of thousands of our fellow, out-of-breath Americans in sweatpants as they make frenzied, ill-thought-out purchases of cheap, crappy garbage they can’t afford and don’t need. To deny us of that right would be unAmerican.
CLOSET CENTRAL
This closet is the most precious thing in my life. It’s like a second vagina to me, so you sneaking in here and rifling through my clothes is a heinous violation! You have violated my closet vag.
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